Do you plan on having kids?

POSITION :


Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma


Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop





JOB DESCRIPTION :





Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often


chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.





Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.





RESPONSIBILITIES :





The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.





Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.





Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all


ages and mental outlooks.


Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassing the next.


Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,


plastic toys, and battery operated devices.


Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.


Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.


Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.





POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT %26amp; PROMOTION :





None.


Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.





PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :





None required unfortunately.


On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.





WAGES AND COMPENSATION :





Get this.....you pay them!


Offering frequent raises and bonuses.


A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that


college will help them become financially independent.


When you die, you give them whatever is left.


The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy


it and wish you could only do more.





BENEFITS :





While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities


for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.








Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything


they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous


job they do...or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.





** AND A FOOTNOTE: THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

Do you plan on having kids?
If you are considering having children than learn from this..





1. Child Prep#1- Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: Buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the tentacles hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.





2.Child Prep #2- Get completely ready to go out. Then, wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to minutely inspect every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to take a small child for a walk.





3.Child Prep #3- Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local Pharmasist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacists to help themselves. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.





4.Child Prep #4- Always repeat everything you say at least five times.





5.Child Prep #5- Find a couple who are already parents. Observe them for one evening. Then comment on their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, this will be the last time in your life that you have any clue about child rearing.





6.Child Prep #6- Forget the BMW and buy a SUV. Don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a grease gun. Shoot some in the cassette player. Take three peeled bananas. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.





7.Child Prep #7- Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear marmalade onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Ask yourself, how does that look?





8.Child Prep #8- Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy corn flakes and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the corn flakes are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.





9.Child Prep #9- To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a bag of water weighing approximately 12 lb. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.





10.Child Prep 10- Sample the Destructive Powers of Childhood. Borrow a dozen baseballs from your little league coach friend. Put on any type of helmet. In the room with the most windows, turn the ceiling fan on high. If you don't have a lot of windows a glass front hutch holding fine china will work nicely. While protecting yourself as best you can (you will get better at this after your children become teenagers) throw each baseball at the spinning fan.





Do you need more???
Reply:Eventually, I would like to, but the rate things in my life, the way they are going, probably not.





I'm 29, single, and want to 1, get out of college before I think of marriage, and 2, I would have to be married first.





With me having to wait until August to go back to college, and I lack about 2 years, I woudl have to say, most likely I will not have any kids of my own, but adoption is on my mind.





Though being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, has the largest responsibility, it also has the greatest reward if you succeed.
Reply:I would have to be married first.





thanks for sharing
Reply:Yes!


And if people were a bit more optimistic they would see the positive aspects too.


Besides, most people want to give all they have to their childern, it is not a burden.


I think it is so sad that people to do not have children and have no continuation.


And it is important to realize that everything in life that is meaningful and rewarding requires much effort..





~~Good for you, I am impressed Jdriven!





~~EU Citizen, you must be part of a very 'compassionate' people...
Reply:this is great! i have a 7 and half month old and i just went back to night school. my husband called me while i was in school ad said that he had no idea how i do it all the time. but i love it, and wouldnt change it for the world!
Reply:Well, tough one.





All the answers that you've got, naturally, were from people who hasn't yet have children (due to the nature of your question).





But still... I have children. 3 of them, I might add. And as much as I love them unconditionally, I sometimes wonder if I'd do it all over. I'm not sure regarding the answer.





Its all good and well to say that children are miracles and they give you joy... but the truth is that they also drain you totally.





So, the answer is - some days and some days...
Reply:yes i have a plan in having kids even i don't have kids i am still happy because something should happen when i already have kids i will play with them and i will also take care of them and show lovefor them
Reply:lol you are scaring me a little bit
Reply:lol....


Yet it is a wonderful thing!!!!
Reply:Yeah, if I'll ever get married. I'm actually kind of scared of kids because I was never a mom. lol.





EDIT TO EG: Congratulations!!!
Reply:What? who are you?